The little things.

"One day, you will meet someone who will grab your hand in excitement whenever they are in your presence. Their face will light up as soon as they see you, because even though they saw you yesterday, it still felt like a long time for them. They will listen to you talk about your family and friends and past relationships. They will hold your hand tighter when you talk about the hardships of your past. They will notice the glimmer in your eyes and will wrap you up in a hug that only can be described as one thing: love."

One of the most wonderful things in life is having someone to share bits and pieces of your life with. Being in a relationship takes you to new heights but it’s not a walk in the park to be in one. Love is a lot of work, but it is worth it.

Barry and I are in a relationship for just 6 months to date, but it feels so much more than that. We've gone through a fair deal of happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, desperation and love. As a result, we've learnt a whole lot about each other in this short period of time.

I wouldn't say we are perfect for each other and that everything is perfect in our relationship, but one thing that is for sure is that we are constantly willing to learn more about each other, and it helps us grow to become better partners. Sometimes, I try to think back to how we were a month ago and realised that so much has changed, positively.

From the start, there is just something different about him. The connection we have with each other comes so naturally (even right from the start where we weren't together yet), as though he's truly my another half. He knows me so well for certain aspects, to the point where I'm shocked at how he sees through my feelings before I even notice it myself.

His presence makes me feel calmer, stronger, and steadier. He has shown me how to love selflessly, and how to accept the love I deserve. I feel safe and comfortable around him and his family. I don't need to impress him because he constantly reminds me through his actions, that I can be myself and still be loved, that even on my worst or weakest days, I still mean the world to him.

I wrote this list to remember the little things my boyfriend does on ordinary days because these little things are the ones that differentiate someone who wants you, from someone who would do anything to keep you.

"At the end of the day, it’s always the small things that reveal the big things and it’s always the small things that matter." - Rania Naim

1. Observing and noticing my needs.

This made it to the first of the list because this is the one thing that I am most appreciative of, which continues to impress me every single day. It takes great observation skills and a genuine heart to do this for someone you love.

It's as simple as getting me a drink when he noticed that I haven't been drinking water for a while, passing me a spoon when I'm having difficulties scooping up the remaining rice on my bowl with a chopstick, getting napkins for me as I perspire or noticing that I'm feeling full mid-meal.

Buying me daily utilities which I randomly mentioned I need to replenish, or a new product I needed to get. Like the 24" monitor he got for me to replace an old squarish monitor I used to do my design work on and a mouse pad for usage in one of my part time job where the table is glass and I had to use paper as a base all the time.

He even notices when I don't like how the taste of the food I ordered turned out. Which brings us to the next point.


2. Leaving me with the best bits of the food.

He always offers me food from his plate when I secretly want to try them, just because I'm tamjiak and want to try everything. When it's two similar plates of food, he will pass me the better plate of food, or the one I prefer. For example, we both love the crispy and skinny bits of the french fries, but he always leaves them for me towards the end.

When receiving our food in KFC, knowing that I love thigh meat and hate breast meat, he automatically places the thigh meat on my plate, and the breast meat in his, even when he don't fancy dry breast meat too.

Sometimes when the food I ordered didn't taste as good as I would like to be, and his order is yummier, he will offer to switch with me.


3. Taking care of me and making sure I don't hurt myself.

I'm super clumsy and the people close to me knows this for sure. I'm lucky if I go by a day without knocking something down, or hitting something accidentally, or dropping something I'm holding.

In crowded areas, he blocks people from bumping into me, pulls me back when I'm randomly moving backwards and going to hit somebody, holds me tighter while we are standing in a jerky bus ride and makes sure I get shelter from the rain.

He supports me when I'm getting down the bus steps, or up from the taxi seat. He helps me rub my wounds when I accidently hit myself due to my huge hand actions when talking or describing things, and gets me to walk on the side of the pathway that has shade from the sun, or is away from the road.

Holding the door, opening the car door, pulling out the seat, and carrying my heavy shopping bags are not an absolute must but instead a bonus because these are things that I can do myself. However, it's sweet to still do so.


4. Easing my anxiety and making sure I feel alright.

When I casually mention something that I'm worried about or have no clue about, he actually goes to do some research about it if he also has no clue about it. He then comes back with information about it or some knowledge that he has.

He just knows how to calm me down when I panic and make me feel less anxious.


5. Being in love with my mind.

I have a lot in my mind. And most of them are crazy, random, useless or weird. He is not creeped out but instead, is intrigued by my thoughts. He listens to me blabber on about topics he couldn’t care less about because he does care about me. He actually not just listens, but understands and remembers them.


6. Trying hard to understand me when I can't put my thoughts across in words.

There are times where my mind just doesn't speak the language that everyone understands. But he tries hard, to piece them together and then understand them, and finally rephrasing them for me to make sure he understood me correctly.


7. 'Us' instead of 'I' during an argument.

It's normal, couples get into an argument, start raising voices at each other and spurring hurtful words to each other. But no, this is not how we argue. We convey our feelings appropriately (ie no yelling, blaming, belittling) to work towards a solution. Explaining why we feel or do something a certain way. It may take awhile, but it's worth the time because it helps us understand and put ourselves in each other's shoes. Things get solved for real so the chances of lingering problems that will surface in the future are reduced.

With him, I learnt that it's not about me being right, or him being right, it's about us being okay. Sometimes, mid-arguments, where things are getting a little more heated up, he will be the one who stops to calm himself down and then comes back to fix things. We will always try our best to solve any misunderstandings or arguments before we end the day. And that we're both genuinely feeling okay. This is so so important.

Of course, we aren't perfect. There are days where arguments get draining, and we want nothing but an end to the argument. No matter what, at end of the day, what matter most is that we both want us to be okay, instead of winning over the other.

"Misunderstandings are inevitable. There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. It’s crap that people aim for perfection. You will argue no matter what. It’s not healthy if you don’t fight because arguments make you realise how much you want your relationship to work. You cannot always agree on everything. That’s bullshit. Fights will only be unhealthy if it’s already irrational and if it happens on a daily basis." - Fu'ad Lawal

8. The willingness to communicate, compromise and respect me.

We need to keep an open dialogue between ourselves and to be truthful without hurting each other's feelings. We need to always want to learn more about each other, to always want to understand each other a little better in order to make the necessary adjustments to keep the love alive. This may sound exhausting, but with the right person, it shouldn’t feel that way.

Compromising is more about seeking mutual understanding. It’s what we want, and how we will work it out. Anyone can compromise but still feel unsatisfied. Then it won't work out in the long run because you feel shortchanged. When the goal is to find out where your partner is coming from - to truly understand on a deep level - you can't help but be altered by the process. Conflict becomes much easier to navigate because you see more of the context.

The most important aspect that leads to the willingness to compromise and communicate well with your partner, is respect. It's important that both people in a relationship feel respected and heard. We may be right, but if we are right in such a way that makes our partner feel unloved, then there's no real winner.

"When you end up being right about something - shut up. You can be right and be quiet at the same time. Your partner will already know you're right and will feel loved knowing that you didn't wield it like a bastard sword." - Brian

9. Making sure to start and end the day together.

Every single day without fail, his voice will be the first and last thing I hear, through the phone. Because he knows my morning routine, he will set his alarm to wake me up in case I oversleep. We do that for each other, it's both ways. As for short chats before sleeping at night, it feels like a nice conclusion to the busy and tiring day we had individually.


10. Wanting to know about my day.

Many people find this unnecessary or a hassle to "report" your day to your partner. I'm glad we both find it as a way to share our life with each other when we're apart. Even when he has to be away (like, reservist) for a day or so, I will leave him messages to read at night when he's free. When he reads my messages, he replies them thoroughly, not just replying in general or the latest message that came through. This is effort and sincerity. That's what make me want to continue sharing with him little details of my day because he does care about them. Not just asking for the sake of creating conversation.

"Even if I’ve ranted about the same thing for 50 times, a guy who genuinely listens and thinks of a logical reply is a sweetheart. Because even if the topic doesn’t matter to him, he knows it matters to me. Always, always be with someone who wants to know what’s in your head." - Chevonne Cheng

11. Respecting my opinion and regularly asks for it.

Before he makes a decision on certain things (mostly bigger decisions), he will ask for my opinion and puts them into consideration. This shows my importance in his life. That every decision he makes is of my concern.


12. Apologising with reflection, not just for the sake of it.

You know how some people apologise just for the sake of stopping an argument, giving in just because they have no choice but to listen? When he apologise and reflect upon it, he is letting me know that he knows what he is apologising for. With that, there is a higher chance of him not repeating the mistake because he understands the problem.

"Saying sorry is brave, but saying sorry with genuine reflection and the will to make a change is a true gentleman’s gesture."  - Chevonne Cheng

13. Knowing my food cravings.

We never had a problem of "can't decide where to eat". Usually he will suggest a few places where he thinks I might be craving for or places he is craving for. When my face lights up at a certain mention of some food, he knows that's the place we should be heading to. This is perfect for me.


14. Telling his friends/family about me, and sharing with me about his friends/family. 

The act of sharing with me about the closest people in his life, and telling them about me makes me feel like I am someone important to him, and he is proud of me.


15. Being patient with me, when I intro him all the songs I listen to or all the things I am obsessed with when it's not part of his interest.

I like sharing with him things that I love, like how I always blabber on about things that I am interested in. But he always listens attentively and responds to them, instead of "pretending to listen". Sometimes after awhile, I feel a bit paiseh like keep drowning him into all the things that he has no interest in. Heh.


17. Asking how he can help.

The best partners play the part of the cheerleader, not the coach. They listen — without interrupting — when you need to talk through a bad day or a frustrating problem. And then they ask how they can help.

This is something I need to learn from him.


18. Being consistent.

All of the above would have been useless if he isn't consistent. It's still quite early in our relationship to confirm this, but it has been half a year and so far, it's still all good! If not, even better. If I have written this 3 months ago, the list would have been much shorter. In fact, this list was built gradually from the early stages of our relationship till now. As we learn and experience more things, the list of things that I appreciate him for gets longer.

Of course, there is bound to be some days where it gets too much to handle, and some days where I just fall head over heels in love with him. Because..

"Happily Ever After doesn't exist. Every day you wake up and decide to love your partner and your life - the good, the bad and the ugly. Some days it's a struggle and some days you feel like the luckiest person in the world." - Tara

“Fall in love with someone who sees the wars within you and not only chooses to stay, but chooses to stand by your side and help you fight them. Strive to find someone who cradles your dark, who embraces your light, someone, who always wants to be your best when you yourself are not your best; someone who reminds you of every strong thing you are whenever you feel feeble.” — Bianca Sparacino

Thank you for loving me unconditionally, Barry Kam. ♥

Bits and pieces of you.

Your partner falling out of love with you is one of the most agonising things to witness. Every day, you see them slipping away. The thing is, it starts slowly, almost unnoticeable. You see it happening before your very eyes, you hear it every time you talk. Every little thing catches your eye and it hurts more than the last time. At first you try to hold on with everything you have, but like sand he slips through your fingers and you know there’s nothing you can do to stop it. So you do the only sensible, the only right thing there is to do: you let go.

I was eleven and you were that mischievous guy in class who caught my attention. We stole glances at each other across the classroom, passed notes and learned about each other's feelings through a friend. We had phone calls, conference calls and the good old MSN chats. But we somehow never had the guts to talk to each other face to face for longer than a minute. We were so young and shy.

I was thirteen and you were eighteen days of just for fun. I couldn't care less about how you felt afterwards because I didn't felt anything for you. Sorry.

I was fourteen and you were a classmate whom I first knew as "the guy from the other class who likes you", when I was thirteen. It was all weird and uncomfortable with you, at least that's what I felt. I couldn't handle your fluctuating emotions. You poured your heart out, wrote poems and stories for me but I broke your heart at fifteen, unintentionally. You then turned morose and became really harsh, and I only just got even more afraid of you.

I was fifteen and you were the newly retained guy in class from the previous batch. You were smart, rebellious and a little hot tempered. They were afraid of you. They tried to pull me away from you, but they couldn't. I saw the endearing side of you and I was stubborn. I believed I could fix you because you were the first one who made me felt love, fear and brokenhearted, all in one seating. Day by day, letters after letters, texts after texts, calls after calls, fights after fights, you had me spun round and round in your heart. You knew me so well and always had a way through my heart. I loved you enough to give you all my trust and forgiveness even on days where you get on my nerves. I laughed, I cried, I feared, I struggled, I screamed, but I stayed on. And all you did was running around leaving scars, tearing love apart, collecting your jar of hearts. Who do you think you are? Oh right, my first love.

I was seventeen and you were supposedly his good friend. Despite knowing that I couldn't get over him just yet, you were there for me regardlessly. You were caring, thoughtful, humorous, adorable and really hardworking. We cried, we laughed, we tried new things, we explored new places and most importantly, we had fun together. Our journey together is a memory that I will always hold dearly in my heart. We were comfortably happy, but we took each other for granted. In short, we had great times, but we screwed up.

I was nineteen and you were a quick fix for my emptiness. I was lonely and you were too. In fact, nobody knew about us. I just wanted to save our ruined friendship from sixteen but it went the wrong way. And so we eventually fizzled.

I was twenty and you were a mystery I never solved. We were complete opposites and we just weren't for each other. I couldn't feel your love nor understand your thought process. I doubted your claims and I was right. You were just a jerk.

I was twenty one and you were too good to be true, indeed. You knew the right words to say and the right things to do. You tried so hard to bring down the walls I built over the years, and you succeeded. I couldn't believed that I found you. But women's instinct at it's best. You were just a coward, living under the covers of a gentleman.

I am twenty two and you were the one I didn’t see coming. You were water and I was fire. I knew you weren't right for me, but I went ahead anyway. We were a mess. The harder I try to feign ignorance or try to fix the mess, the messier we got. I had no idea how to make it all better again. I didn't want you, but yet I longed for your presence. It took me long enough to realise that it was just my heart mistaking closeness for affection and then turning it into infatuation. So I decided to divert my attention away from you and keep myself busy, living the life I had before you came along. Eventually, the feelings slowly became numb and one fine day, it finally doesn't hurt anymore when I look at you. And that's when I realise.. all I had to do was simply just stepping out from the mess.

To the next you whom I will meet when the time comes, I hope you understand that emotions are supposed to be raw, ugly and brutal. I don't want you to 'sorta' love me. I want that love to be a bursting flame, not a candle. I'll risk heartbreaks, tears and sleepless nights just to meet the right you, but I'll also be brave enough to let go of you because I can't make you love me if you don't.