To the next you whom I will meet when the time comes, I hope you understand that emotions are supposed to be raw, ugly and brutal. I don't want you to 'sorta' love me. I want that love to be a bursting flame, not a candle. I'll risk heartbreaks, tears and sleepless nights just to meet the right you, but I'll also be brave enough to let go of you because I can't make you love me if you don't.
Yes, it happened, I met him, exactly one that showed me how emotions are supposed to be raw, ugly and brutal. He didn't 'sorta' love me, and that love was a bursting flame, nothing like a candle. I thought I finally found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Fast forward two years later, that thought eventually became a doubt. I found myself burning in that same bursting flame I wanted. Our personalities clashed in so many ways, which eventually caused our relationship to gradually become mentally and emotionally draining. (Not gonna elaborate but if you want details, it's kind of similar to Caroline*'s recount which I happened to chance upon after I called it quits.) The last straw was a string of ridiculous fights which I eventually gave up tolerating and remained silent with no intention of resolving the conflict, something I had never done before. It was a tough decision to make. It isn't like I wasn't happy at all throughout the course of the relationship, or that I ever doubt his love for me. But I knew this end would eventually come, be it now or in the future if we got married, we would surely end up with a divorce if things continued the same way it was. I didn't want to regret then. So.. I made the decision to leave and that was the end of us.
It's been three months since and my heart is recuperating. I don't regret anything that has happened. I'm even glad it happened. Because without these two years, I wouldn't have learnt how to love myself today.
I am allowed to walk away from anyone that makes me feel like I am hard to love. I am allowed to walk away from anything that no longer grows me. I am allowed to walk away from toxic relationships, no matter how long I have been tethered to them. I am allowed to walk away from the idea that I have to be the same person I was a year ago. I am allowed to walk away from the idea that I have to want the same things I wanted a year ago. I am allowed to walk away. I am allowed to change.
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