“Isn't it funny how you can think you’re completely over someone, but if you walk past his house, stumble upon a meaningful song you both shared, or even get a glance of him on the street… just in an instant, it can change all that. And you start to remember the pain. But you bury these feelings deep down, so deep that you’re sure no one will be able to tell. To the outside world, you smile and act like nothing is wrong or ever will be. Everything’s just perfect. For that split second that you've locked eyes, a tiny whisper, say “make this last forever, only and just moment forever and ever.” But after a second or so, you go along your own merry way, all the while home realizing how much you do miss him, how much you still love him… and it sticks with you for days, weeks, maybe months, until fate decides to hand you another one of those unexpected moments. And then you finally understand the worst feeling in the world is when the person you love the most is standing right next to you, yet you can never have them."
"A still frame photograph of you and me together, is all I have of me and you."
"I won't forget you, I don't regret you."
"I wonder why we both walked away."
"If I'd only knew the words to say that would make you turn around, I would say those words to you more than a million times."
"I'm sorry for all I did, what I said and things I hid."
And also the lyrics from this song.
"I let you see the parts of me, that weren't all that pretty."
"We're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again."
Yes, its all for him. Its been three months and I used to think that by three months I would have long moved on. But no, I admit I do still think of him daily, once in a while, wondering what he's doing, does he still remember all those things we did together. Even though most of the time I look like I don't miss him at all and is pretty much happily moving on with my life, I still do get jealous when I see him posting on twitter everything about the other girl. Its like he's having no problem moving on and I'm still stuck here at the same spot.
Whenever I came upon old photos of us and old conversations, I can't help but see those flashbacks coming back to haunt me. We used to be so comfortably happy even though we always quarrel over trivial matters. Sometimes I ask myself, why did we give up so easily. Our problems were plain in comparison to other couples' problems, but they could compromise and give in to each other just to keep the relationship going, why can't we?
We do text each other sometimes recently and I always check my phone to see if he replied yet. Sometimes when its isn't him who replied, I don't even bother to pick up the phone and reply. I don't know why I became like this. When he jokingly spoke harshly to me, I know he is joking but I still feel hurt. Its feels like I no longer mean a thing to him anymore and that my feelings doesn't matter to him. I don't know why I became so negative recently.
Whenever people ask about us, I just smiled and pretend I'm alright and is okay with what we are now, but deep down, it hurts, so bad. Especially when someone said to me, it was a waste that we're no longer together. People are always asking me: "You still miss him, don't you?", and I always smile and said a little. When I go to work alone, especially during the bus rides, I remember all the times when I had him with me. I miss the random photo taking moments and all the acting cute we used to do.
He actually have quite a number of good points. He is very caring in a different way. Whenever we're about to cross the road, he would place his hands in front of me and check if there's any incoming car, before holding my hands and cross the road. Even sometimes when he forget to hold my hand when we cross the road, he'll always put his hand across before we cross. I still remember the first time he did this and I was secretly shock and happy, because nobody did this to me before. We weren't together at that time. This action is something that I'll never ever forget.
When on a moving bus and there isn't any seats, he would always hold me tight, in case I fall when the bus stops. He'll never let me walk on the roads or be the one nearer to the moving cars if we had no choice but to walk on roads. He always open the doors to let me pass first like a gentleman, and would always be the first one to offer his seat to anyone who needs it more than him.
His thinking might be childish, negative and "small-range", but its what that makes him, him. His childishness is the one that brings humor and joy to the people around him. Even though he always quarrel with his mother, deep inside, I can see that he cares a lot for his mother. Its just that sometimes, he don't know how to express it.
There was once when we haven't seen each other for a long long long long time, I was working in the kitchen and suddenly he came to dine in alone. My workmates came inside and told me he was outside. So I decided to go and take a peek at him. I walked past the curtains and secretly took a peek, and at the time, he turned around and we had a second of eye contact. Right after that second of eye contact, my heart started beating super fast. I don't know why.
Even though I miss so much things that we used do and would very much want to go back to those happy times, I am as afraid as he is. I'm afraid that it would all become just another failed effort again. And I have to start over, try to move on all over again and try not to think about him.
Sometimes I think maybe we should just remain the way it is now. Not expecting anything from each other, if you want to talk to me then I'll be here, if not then it doesn't affect anything. But I know continue being like this doesn't help each of us to move on. Moreover, there is a new girl in his life that likes him (I suppose he likes her back too) and willing to wait for him, so I shouldn't be obstructing his path and let him move on and lead a new life together with that girl.
I'm taking the first step, to completely disappear from his life for as long as I can. Even though I know I won't be able to last that long, but at least I try.
If you're reading this, I'm not expecting you to be responding to anything that I've said here. I just want to let you know that I've never regretted being with you. Thanks for all the happiness you've brought to me and I appreciate all your efforts. Please be good to your soon-to-be girlfriend, and I hope she wouldn't hurt you like how I did, or in any other way. Be happy. Goodbye.
No comments:
Post a Comment