In a blink of an eye, its already the 9th month of the year. How the hell did this year passed so quickly? Looking back 3 years ago, I didn't know my life would turn out like this. I thought I will always be stuck with that guy, and never get over him. But well, I did. Even though it took more than a year to get over him, I eventually did. Memories do bug me sometimes but its the memories that I miss, not him. Even if one day I suddenly met him all over again, I guess it will be different, and we possibly wouldn't work out. Things are different and people have changed. We no longer suit each other. Let the happy memories stay within my secondary school life. (:
After him, I've learnt a lot of things. I actually realise did not put in much effort into that relationship. Through the next guy, I've learnt to be more initiative, to be the one making the first move. Planning events and trying to solve problems in the relationship. I admit, I couldn't get used to it at first. I just felt so tired as am putting in so much effort. Part of me that time, was still thinking about the previous one. I missed him, because he was the one that thoroughly understood me, without me having to point out anything. He just could see. When I was with this guy, he could sense whenever I'm feeling down, even if I did not show it. I'm like an open book to him. Don't know its just coincident or what.
But soon, I realise I should really let him go, and be fair to the guy I am having. I should stop comparing them. One step at a time, I finally let go. I put all my heart into this guy, and tried to compensate all my wrongdoings. However, he couldn't trust me again. Nevertheless, I stayed on, and proved to him that I'm no longer stuck in those memories. Things got better after awhile.
Its very difficult for me to be comfortable with someone. Not just guys, even girls. It will take me a long time before I can start to become totally comfortable with someone. And he did it, I became very comfortable with this guy. I could say out my feelings without any hesitation. It felt almost like a married situation where both parties are comfortable with each other. And soon, we really did turned out like most married couples; getting too comfortable.
When married couples get too comfortable with each other, respect is gone. We started respecting each other lesser and lesser. The words we say were hurtful, the actions we do don't go though our minds. We started to take each other for granted. And when he stopped doing all those things he used to do for me like when we were still fresh, I felt unloved. Despite several quarrels over this issue, things still aren't solved. He just always pushes the problems aside, and expects it to be solved by itself. I tolerated and tolerated. I have never ever experienced something like that. I didn't know what to do.
Then, I took a wrong step. I, too, stopped everything that I used to do. I thought it could wake him up, but no, it backfired. None of us are putting in any effort into the relationship. Things worsen. We texted lesser and met up lesser and lesser. No more night calls, no more morning and good night texts. I don't know what happened. Every morning, I woke up expecting to see a good morning message, but I waited in vain. I was always the one sending the first text message each day. I felt sad and helpless.
Neither did he came to fetch me from school or send me home from work anymore. Unless I asked him to, then he would. A few times, I brought up the topic, but as usual, it got pushed aside. I was in dilemma, whether to bring up the topic of separation. But I couldn't bring myself to. I did not want to give up so easily, I thought I could change him, but no, I was wrong.
And the time finally came, we fought about the same issue. After that night, he did not text, nor called me. I was waiting for him to text me first, but as expected, he did not. He's not the kind that would take the initiative. I waited in vain. I kept extending the time, the time to give up on him. From the whole morning, till the whole afternoon and the whole night.
Finally, he called, at 12am. He spoke to me as though nothing happened. I couldn't take it, I wanted to ask him why he could not text me the whole day and now, acting as though nothing have happened. I asked, and he said, he was tired. Tired of this relationship. He didn't know what to do. And so, I gave him two options. To keep on trying, or to give up. My heart was wishing he would say he will try, but my mind told me, he won't. I was right about him, he chose to give up. I gave him a second chance, and asked if he was sure. He gave me the same answer. With that, I hung up the phone. And I was single, all over again.
All I wanted was for him to fight for me, but he did not. I was disappointed. Very disappointed. Especially when he confessed that he have been smoking all these while. I thought he have quitted. But no, I was in the dark all these while. I never knew I could be fooled by him. I was heartbroken. Why is this happening to me all the time?
A few days after, I was fine. I went on with life like usual, and I actually felt better during the weekdays. I need not look at my phone and I could concentrate on my assignments. However, all the feelings start rushing back during the weekends. We worked in the same company. It was awkward. Very. We were like strangers, with memories.
I find myself trying to catch his attention, still having a little bit of hope in him. I know he still do love me, but he just don't wanna try. Maybe, I wasn't an impact to him, and its okay to not have me in his life. He don't mind losing me, at all.
Today is the third weekend after our broke up. Still, false hope every weekend. Disappointments after disappointments. I don't know how long will it take for me to put down everything about him. I used to think I don't love him that much, that I could easily get over him. But I was wrong. I can't let go just like that. I am fine during the weekdays as I could easily make myself occupied with the pile of assignments I have. But when the weekends come, all those feelings came rushing back all over again.
I find myself scrolling through the timeline, waiting for him to post a tweet, so I could know whats happening to him. I can't deny this. I wasn't like this, I didn't use to give a damn to what he tweet. But why am I like this now? And I swear, I felt a tint of jealousy whenever some girl talk to him. Maybe its the saying; "You never know what you have, until its gone".
Here I am, pouring out all the feelings I've kept this few weeks. I didn't planned this, I just suddenly typed all of this out. Maybe I just need a space to put down my feelings. All I wanted was for him to take the initiative. I want to feel wanted.
All my friends asked me if he asked me for patch, would I accept. I said, he won't ask me. Because I knew him too well, he isn't the kind who will try and solve her problem or take the initiative. He would rather be suffering, than do all these. Yeap, maybe I'm not enough for him to change. So, just hope some other girl will be able to change him.
Maybe if I say a few more times that I'm over him, I will be. I've convinced everyone else that I'm never going back to him, expect my heart.
You know, sometimes girls don't want a new boyfriend. They just want their current one to change, to become better. But most of the time, the guys don't understand. They always say that they are not good enough for them and ask them to find a better one. Why can't they understand?
To him who is reading this, or maybe not: I don't know what you're thinking until now. Maybe you don't want to hurt me once more or what. Whatever you choose to do in the end, I'll respect your decision. Maybe we could be friends, I guess. I wish you'll find someone who is able to tolerate all your imperfections. Sorry, I'm not the one.
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