JOANNECHIA

I've came to a decision.
I'm really letting this relationship go.
Yes, I admit, I still do love you.
But whats love without trust?
I really just cannot trust you anymore.

Had this conversation with Michelle yesterday.
Its isn't the full conversation because somethings are meant to be kept.

Me: You know. After I broke up with him this time. I wanted a clean break up. I dunwan do the patch break patch break thing again. So I actually treated him coldly. Cause I know he doesn't like me treating him coldly. So most probably he would really give up on me. He asked me if I still love him or not. I said no. But actually, I know it myself, I still do love him. I cannot just forget him so easily. Every little thing I do, reminds me of him. Everytime my phone have message coming in, I always hoped it was him. But in the end, I still reply him coldly. ):

Michelle: Girl, you're in self-denial. You know you still love him but you don't want to have anything to do with him. I know its hard for you now and you might even be secretly crying a few nights. Sometimes even dreaming about him. But its alright, we're all strong girls. Love is like gambling. Once you've lost or given up, you have to clear your debts. Don't be stupid and gamble on the same guy again. Because you'll end up burning your fingers. Its time to move on girl! Though saying that is super easy, but doing it is hard.

Me: But its so difficult whenever I see him trying so hard. Asking me why am I doing this. All the things he is doing to try and save this relationship.

Michelle: Its no use saying sorry after stabbing your innocent heart. Yeah, he is trying hard to solve the r/s, but is he worth it? You're a precious gem, but rmb how he treated you like shit? Sometimes its the things he do that makes you wna let go. And since you've already let go, so be it. Everything will fall into place eventually. Don't be softhearted my dear! Be a strong and vengeful person.

Me: But I don't want to regret next time. ): I still care for him, I still think of him. It comes naturally. I don't know how would I ever stop caring for him. Its like when I thought of letting go, I remember all the reason why I held on so long.

Michelle: You can still care for him.. As a friend. You still can be the best of friends. But don't fall back into the game of love. You won't regret, trust me. Once you've set your mind into something, you will find all the reasons why you did that. And i can assure you, leaving him is the best choice. Babe, it doesn't only benefits you, but it lets him learn a valuable lesson on how to treat a girl well. Trust me, this pain will kill you, but it won't last that long. When you grow up. you will realize that leaving him makes you proud. Let him know that its his fault that you left him, don't keep giving him chances. You're spoiling him.

Me: But I'm afraid that talking to him would make my heart go back to him. But not talking to him makes me miss him so much. In the end I talk to him, but like treat him so cold. Its like hurting him. And in the same time, its like giving him hope. But I'm not happy. Not at all. I realize I'm actually happier during the times spent with him.

Michelle: Do you know you're starting your smses with 'but'? You're technically letting yourself get hurt for all the wrong reasons. Its time to wake up. Maybe you still want to be happy again. But you don't need him, do you? Do you dare say you want to marry him? If not, face the facts. You're just hungry for love and attention. I'm not saying anything, but I want you to see reality as it is. You don't need a guy to make your life like a rollercoaster. He will take you for granted if you let him. Joanne, do you know when you said you wanted to break up, you actually chose to run away from problem rather than solve it? You've chosen to run away, so continue running. Why turn back? Keep the happy memories inside your brain. It'll just be another chapter of your life.

Me: I've actually thought of marrying him before. Haha. Its like there wouldn't be another guy that I would love better. No matter what he do to me, in the end I still forgive him. And when I broke up with him, I know I'm running away from the problem. Can't I go back and solve the problem so that the problem would never be a problem again? But in the same time, I'm afraid of what people thinks.

Michelle: Don't care what other people think. Does he want to marry you too? If he does, he won't be treating you this way. No, you can't turn back in love. Unless you can tame him well. I can tell you a million times not to make the same mistakes again but it only takes one more foolish decision of yours to turn the whole table around.

Me: Maybe he's trying to make up for all the wrongdoings? Cause everytime we patch, he would treat me better and try all his ways to make me happy. When I preferred talking on the phone than smsing, he would call me instead. And he would always remember the little things. Whatever I've told him before, he would remember. Thats really something that makes me love him so much.

Michelle: I rmbed the last time you patched, you said he is treating you better. But look what did he did to you in the end? He's a nice guy, but when you both just aint compatible, it just doesn't fit. You're still a girl, you will not be able to deal with all the problem he'll give you. In the end, you'll still let go..someday. Right? Hmmm. Its better to go the harsh way to hurt him, and even yourself.

Me: At least he didn't did the same mistakes again? Everyone does mistakes, don't they? Shouldn't we give them chances? I know I've been giving him alot of chances and many people think why would I do such things for someone who is so not worth it. But thats just love isn't it?

Michelle: In the end of the day, you have to make a decision. I will support every decision you make. But don't regret what you've decided. He may give you hell, but you've got to persevere.. Don't give up on love, since you've decided to fall back in again. Ok?

Last night, I've been trying to find all the reasons to fall back into love.
Because I thought that since I've held on so long, why shan't I continue holding on?
Since I've always been giving you chances, why can't I give you again?

Then I realize, I don't trust you anymore.
I don't trust you enough to go back to you.
I'm afraid that history would repeat and I would end up being hurt again.
I've been enduring all the hurt I'm getting from you, because I thought that if I love you, I will be able to tolerate all this.
I've always thought that love is the most important thing.
You just need to love, so that you will trust and accept.
But now, I truly understand that I need to be able to trust and accept you, before being able to love you.
Since I am now incapable of trusting and accepting you, I'm not fit to love you.
Thus, I'm backing out from this.
Until I learn how to love someone unconditionally.

I cannot take lies.
Especially from the one I love the most, you.
But whats disappoints me most is not that you is still smoking all the while.
Its actually that you are lying to me all the while.
Remember you said to me this before?
"See, people say quiting is difficult, but I've done it."
At that moment, I've really believed you.
But now, knowing the truth from other's mouth, I'm totally disappointed.
I have actually asked you alot of time, but you just kept denying and denying.
And so much for me trusting you.
Believing that you must have your reason for lying to me.
But I was wrong.
I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm just upset that from now on, I can't believe you.

I used to believe in forever.
I used to believe that love is able to overcome everything.
I used to believe in love.
But now, no more.
I don't want to believe in love anymore.

Can I leave it all behind?
Cause I cant go back.
The truth of the matter is, I still have feelings for you.
And no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm better off with out you, a part of me just won't let go.

I know.
So from today onwards.
I'm trying my best.
To leave it all behind, and never look back.

People think it is holding on that makes you stronger, but sometimes it's letting go.

There were reasons we met, reasons for the good times and reasons for the bad times, and most importantly a reason to end.

So, from now on.
Just forget about me, Okay?
Don't miss me.
Don't love me anymore.
Don't say you can't, cause you did it before to someone you loved so much before.